Breakfast Blogging...

Tomorrow will mark one week that my mom passed away. Crazy.

Monday it rained all day and was very gloomy outside. Perfect weather for my mood. I stayed in my jammies all day- did not take a shower until 5pm! On that day I realized it did not seem a reality mom was gone. However, I do still have moments that it hits me. A couple days ago, I was sitting on the couch holding Liam. I was thinking about mom and past conversations we had had. I started crying (this was one of those moments where it hit me). Liam sensed my emotion and for no reason he started crying with me. Of course the difference is he is looks way cuter when he cries. Any of you ever watch Teen Mom? If so, you will know what I mean when I say I assume I look horrible when I cry like Farrah does. Bad cry face! Ha! Anyways, that made me stop crying and focus on him. I do not want my precious baby being upset because I am! So once again, proof that little love bug was suppose to come into my life when he did. My dad even told me the other night if I did not have Liam during all of this I would be 10 times worse.

                                                  10 weeks of pure cuteness right here!

I have purposely been keeping busy. I find that it helps distract me. I went to Target the other day to just putter around and ended up with a bag of bite size Twix candy bars and pumpkin spice coffee creamer (for those of you who love it like I do, yes it is out again! AND they have sugar-free this year!). I ate so many of those Twix bars it ended up being my supper, and I washed them down with a glass of wine. Awesomeness.

 

I do not know why, but I am trying to prevent myself from grieving. I am not ready to do it just yet. A friend came over last night to visit. She too has recently had a big loss; however, her situation is different. I knew mine was coming, she did not know hers was. We got to talking about the different emotions we are going through. One thing we both agree on, and I do not mean this to sound bad is the advice people give. We both said we know people care, BUT please do not tell me why I have not grieved, when I will, or what I am feeling. Only I know what I am feeling inside. The best thing a friend recently told me is "Don't ever let anyone tell you that time will heal your pain. Always remember that it is what YOU DO during the time that will really heal you."

 

One thing I am very thankful for is my mom's best friend Tina. She has been there for me before mom passed, and I'm sure will continue to be here for me. The night mom died, I called Tina. I really did not have anything specific to tell her, I just wanted to talk. The bond my mom and Tina had was the definition of true best friends. Those two could talk for hours, I mean hours on the phone. They told each other everything. About 5 hours before mom passed away, Tina called my phone. I placed it up to mom's ear so they could have "one last phone call." Even though mom was not responsive, I know she could hear Tina's voice. If you are reading this Tina, thank you for everything. Thank you for being such an awesome friend to my mom, and thank you for being like a mom to me.  

 

Here are some memories of my mom I would like to share:

 

She made the best taco salad. I am glad that I can make it now myself. Not to mention her chocolate chip cookies were the best. Glad I have that recipe too.

Aqua Net hairspray will always remind me of my mom. Back in the 80’s when I was kid, it seemed like she would spray a whole can of that on her freshly hot rolled hair. I still to this day remember the smell of that hairspray. And you never wanted to breathe with your mouth open after she sprayed it because the air was heavily polluted with Aqua Net. Oh and in case you were wondering, it tastes awful! LOL

She had her own way of wording things and little sayings she would use. I find myself using them without realizing it. If it was really hot outside she would say, “It is hotter than a bug’s butt on the 4^th of July.” Or if we were on our way home she would say as we were getting closer, “Home again, home again jiggity jaw!” There are many other sayings she used that I will never forget.

My mom loved animals so much that I would joke around and say she loved them more than her family. I am sure on most days that were true. Every animal had a first and middle name. Growing up there was always animals around- inside and outside. She even fed a possum and named him Randy! However, thanks to her I have a love for animals myself, and they too have a first and middle name.

Mom was a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal.  She didn’t wear jewelry or fancy clothes. She was simple. She never cared what others thought, and would speak her mind. If you wanted an honest opinion, you asked her. She also was a talker. You could call just to ask her a question and end up talking for over an hour. So I guess I know where I get my motor mouth and bluntness from.

One thing about my mom that we all would imitate and tease her about was her laugh. It was different, yet it was so her.

For the past 6-7 years, she and my dad would play “slug bug” while driving places.  They would not actually hit each other in the arm like how others play it. It was just whoever spotted the car would yell it out for a point. They had their own rules for it. I never could beat either one of them. Even when mom didn’t feel well she still would play slug bug.

Growing up mom listened to a lot of Tanya Tucker. It is funny because just a couple months ago I downloaded some Tanya Tucker songs because I remembered hearing them when I was younger. Back when we lived in Odon on Main Street, she would wash our hair in the kitchen sink. I remember her  playing her Tanya Tucker cassettes while we were in the kitchen. She also used the Aussie shampoo on our hair, and I recall her telling me it was made out of kangaroo pee. I was a gullible child, and I believed her.

My mom and dad had a great marriage. I use to always say that if I ever got married I wanted a marriage like theirs. They were more than husband and wife- they were best friends. Well I got married, and not only to a great man, but to my best friend. It’s funny because mom use to always say throughout the years that I needed to get back together with Clint. I am so happy she got to see us get married. Many did not know this, but she was sick during the time of my wedding. However, she managed to have a great time even though she paid for later.

 

There are many, many more memories I have of her, and I need to start writing them all down. A few days before her passing, my dad and I watched all of our old family videos. It is crazy to see how much time has passed already. Time goes fast, and anything can happen in the blink of an eye. Seriously, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Send a card, text, email, etc. Give them a call. You NEVER know when they will be gone.

 

My mom and I at Ethan's birthday party. This was actually on her 50th bday. (Ethan's bday is one day before mom's)

 

Turning 30 & Saying Goodbye...

Note: This post will be long. I am not asking for pity, I am just venting. I am not sleeping well at night, so blogging is something I need to do right now...

The lyrics to one of Patty Loveless' songs keeps playing in my head, "Life's about change and nothing ever stays the same." How true. The past two years have been quite the emotional rollercoaster. I got married, Granny suddenly passed away, I got pregnant, Grandpa Bill passed away, I had my baby...then my mom passed away.

My mom kept her illness a secret. She was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in December of 2005. Mom was always positive about everything, so I was not surprised when she beat the cancer. After five years of being in remission, the damn thing returned. Since 2010, my mom did not live a good quality of life. Due to the many rounds of chemo and various surgeries, she never felt 100%. Now fast forward to April 17, 2012. She was having surgery to get a colostomy bag placed. Mom faced many complications from that surgery. She stayed in Indy for many weeks, came home for about a week and a half, went back to IUPUI hospital, and then she was transferred to the Select Specialty Hospital on her 53rd birthday- May 23rd. While Mom was in Select, she was worried (and so was I) that she would not be released in time for when I had my baby. Well, she started improving and was released on July 3rd. I had my son on July 11th. She did not feel well at all the day I had Liam, but she was there and that is all that mattered to her. My birth photographer captured beautiful moments of my mom and Liam on their first meeting. I am so thankful I have those photos to cherish forever.

So I have my baby, mom is home, and I assume all is well. It was not. My mom started not feeling well again, but occasionally she would have good days. I had my 2 week postpartum doctor's appointment, and mom asked me if she could watch Liam while I went. So I dropped him off, and I went to my appointment and even ran some errands afterwards.  She seemed to be doing good and enjoyed watching Liam. Boy did things start to change...

On Sunday August 12, mom woke my dad up saying she needed to go to the hospital. She thought she was just really dehydrated and needed fluids. She was wrong. She was admitted and was later told the bad news. The cancer had spread, and there was nothing left the doctor's could do. They gave her 2-3 months. The next night my world changed. I was home alone with Liam- Clint was on travel for work. My dad came over and told me what the doctor's had said. We both cried and cried. I felt like someone slapped me in the face. This could not be true! Mom had beat the cancer before, so why must it win this time? After he left, I sat in the rocking chair holding my son and bawled like a baby.

Well then the bad news kept coming. The doctor's soon said she only had 1-2 weeks left. Mom was transferred to the VNA Hospice Facility, where we assumed would be where she would pass. If you knew my mom, then you should know she was a strong woman who stayed positive no matter what. Suddenly she started doing good again- her bowels were working and the NG tube was removed. And guess what? Mom got to go home! They set up home hospice care for her, and a hospital bed was put in the living room at my parents house. On Wednesday August 29, mom went home. The doctor's then said she had 2-3 months again. Unfortunately, they were wrong. On Friday September 14, I watched my mom take her last breath. An image I will never forget.

If you read my last blog, I said I really do believe Liam was suppose to come into my life when he did. I truly do believe this. Being on maternity allowed me to spend every day with my mom. A week before she passed, her vision became blurry. So it made my day and hers when I held Liam out in front of her and he did the cutest baby laugh he had never done before. She smiled so big. It was an awesome moment. I started keeping a journal for Liam- writing about our visits with his Memaw and what all she said about him.

Since she knew her time was ending, she planned out her Celebration of Life party and wrote her own obituary. She wants people to gather and celebrate her life and share stories. Mom was never one to want a traditional funeral where people wear black and sit around and cry. I told her I was still going to cry and so would many others! Lol

So many memories were made during the past 6 weeks. I turned 30, which was sadly my last birthday with my mom. Birthdays and holidays were always a big deal to her. My mom was never an emotional person, but she cried when she realized for the first time she could not bake me a cake. I told her the cake did not matter. Having her there for my birthday was the best present ever.

I am so thankful for my wonderful husband. He has been amazing during all of this. He has been on baby duty while I deal with everything. I am also thankful for having such a good son! Liam started sleeping 6-7 hrs at night when he hit 4 wks. Well he is 9.5 weeks old sleeping 10 hours at night! Woo hoo! He also melts his momma's heart with his big gummy grins. I can be crying and sad, then Liam will look at me and give me one of those grins. So you see, he was meant to come into my life when he did. I am sooooo glad mom got to meet him. He would lay up on the hospital bed and sleep with her. Then one day when she was at the Hospice facility she let him try the littlest drop of chocolate milkshake. She said she had to do "Memaw things" while she had the chance. Liam licked those little lips and kicked his little leggies in excitement! So mom told Clint he needed to bring Liam home chocolate milkshakes...haha!

I would tell my mom everything. I would call her just to tell a story about work, something one of my animals did, or some silly gossip I heard. I also went to her for advice on many things. It is going to be hard adjusting to not having her be a phone call away. My mom wrote my sister and myself a letter before she passed. One thing she said in mine was if I have any questions go to the Bible or ask God. Good thing He is a good listener because I will have many questions!

I get my ability to talk a lot from my mom. I would call her to ask a simple question and end up chatting for over an hour. The day before I had Liam, I went to see my mom. She was in bed not feeling well. I was very pregnant and very swollen and had a hard time getting comfortable sitting on the bed. Well we got to talking and next thing you know 4 hours had passed! She was so easy to talk to, and it seemed like we never ran out of things to discuss. Thanks to her I also have a love for animals. There were times I would joke around saying she loved animals more than people...on some days I believe this was true! :)

My mom was spunky, fun, and she would speak her mind not caring what others thought. I am proud to say she was my mom. No words can express the pain I feel losing her. Even though I saw her take her last breath, I do not have closure. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I have went through every stage of emotion. I am purposely staying busy so I do not have to sit and think about it too much. I feel my breaking point nearing. I know I will have a big grieve session, but trying to prevent it helps make me feel like this is not a reality. I miss my mom. I want her back. I know she is no longer in pain, but it still does not fill the void of her being gone.
I do want to thank everyone who called, texted, emailed, wrote on my Facebook wall, sent cards, etc. I may not get back to each and everyone of you, but please know I do truly appreciate all the thoughts and prayers and kind words.


A good friend sent me this verse today, and I would like to share it:

Proverbs 4: 5&6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

William "Liam" Douglas Ramsey

I am way behind again. However, I have an excuse. I have been busy tending to the best little present ever. This little present was delivered on July 11, 2012. The present of course, is my precious son Liam.

I did not think my pregnancy would ever end. I was swollen and just plain miserable. Each week I would go to my doctor's appointment and learn I was still just 1 cm dilated. Ugh! The temperature was in the 100's outside, and I simply wanted my baby out! But I do not always get what I want- my doctor does not induce unless you go past your due date. So guess what, I was still pregnant on my due date. Clint and I went to the hospital on the evening of July 10. They started me on oral meds to help soften my stubborn cervix. I sent Clint home that night, knowing he would sleep better. I told him to be at the hospital at 6:00am the next morning before they started giving me pitocin. If you know my husband, he is late for EVERYTHING! (one of my pet peeves, but I still love him dearly) So the next morning at ten till 6:00am...you heard me, 10 min early...Clint enters the room. I was happy to see he was early, but even happier after I opened the small box he handed me. He got me a "push present," and in the box was a gorgeous ruby ring (Liam's birthstone). I think he earned extra brownie points that day- arrived early and gave me jewelry! :)

 

I am not going to go into details, but I will say the rest of the day was not so fun. I will say God Bless epidurals!! I was in labor for a long 11 hours. Lots of pain and tears for sure! Clint was so supportive, and he did such a great job helping me out. I think at one point he told me to stop cussing and breathe. :) Some of those contractions were so mean and fierce I would word vomit, and I am sure my mother would not have been proud if she heard me! Ha!

The big moment finally came at 8:32pm (CST). I gave birth to a 8 lb 1 oz., 21.5 in beautiful baby boy! The moment I first laid eyes on him my heart melted like butter on a hot biscuit. He was absolutely perfect with alert eyes and rosebud lips. I was in love. We named him William Douglas Ramsey, but he goes by Liam. William is of course after my Grandpa Bill, and Douglas is after my dad. He has the names of the 3 greatest men in my life (Ramsey obviously being Clint's last name, duh lol).

One thing we did for Liam's birth was have a birth photographer. Leah Robinson did an amazing job! She captured moments before the birth and immediately after. We even have a small video on DVD. I highly recommend other moms-to-be to do this if you can. Clint was able to enjoy Liam's first moments without having to snap away with our camera. If you read this Leah- thank you so much!

The next couple of days at the hospital were a blur. We had many visitors stop by to see our new handsome fella. We are so thankful for all who called, texted, emailed, sent cards/gifts, visited, etc. Clint and I left the hospital as a family of 3 that following Friday evening. We came home and set his carseat down to let the fur kids (Norm, Lola, and Roxi) meet their new brother. The cats were scared of him, and Norm would not go near him. They all adjusted well, but sometimes Norm gets a tad jealous.

I am not going to say it is a piece of cake the first week or so at home. I think I cried with Liam on many occasions. However, each day and week just kept getting better. When he hit 4 weeks we put him in his crib in his room. He started sleeping awesome and still does to this day. We get anywhere from 6-8 hr straight then up to feed, then back to sleep for another 2 hr. This makes mommy and daddy very happy! He loves bath time, and he LOVES to eat. Poor kids got his mom and dad's appetite! Lol

I cannot believe he will be 2 months old tomorrow. Time really flies! He is such a pure joy in our lives. He grins all the time, and we even got a semi baby laugh out of him recently. He also will stick out his lower lip when he is upset. Not going to lie, that trick works! Every morning I lay him on his play mat so I can brush my teeth, make coffee, start a load of laundry, etc. He loves that mat! He gets to kicking his little leggies and arms. Clint and I say it is his Baby P90X he is doing, haha.

I may have carried him for 9 months, but he definitely is his daddy's son. When Liam was first born, he looked like my baby pictures. Now we have a Clint Jr.! He for sure is built like Clint- long arms/legs and long skinny feet with long toes Liam does have the prettiest blue eyes, and those lips...oh they are so precious!!

I love my son more than anything, and I truly believe he was meant to enter my life at the time he did. I will explain more later in another post.

Happy Tuesday.