Monday it rained all day and was very gloomy outside. Perfect weather for my mood. I stayed in my jammies all day- did not take a shower until 5pm! On that day I realized it did not seem a reality mom was gone. However, I do still have moments that it hits me. A couple days ago, I was sitting on the couch holding Liam. I was thinking about mom and past conversations we had had. I started crying (this was one of those moments where it hit me). Liam sensed my emotion and for no reason he started crying with me. Of course the difference is he is looks way cuter when he cries. Any of you ever watch Teen Mom? If so, you will know what I mean when I say I assume I look horrible when I cry like Farrah does. Bad cry face! Ha! Anyways, that made me stop crying and focus on him. I do not want my precious baby being upset because I am! So once again, proof that little love bug was suppose to come into my life when he did. My dad even told me the other night if I did not have Liam during all of this I would be 10 times worse.
I do not know why, but I am trying to prevent myself from grieving. I am not ready to do it just yet. A friend came over last night to visit. She too has recently had a big loss; however, her situation is different. I knew mine was coming, she did not know hers was. We got to talking about the different emotions we are going through. One thing we both agree on, and I do not mean this to sound bad is the advice people give. We both said we know people care, BUT please do not tell me why I have not grieved, when I will, or what I am feeling. Only I know what I am feeling inside. The best thing a friend recently told me is "Don't ever let anyone tell you that time will heal your pain. Always remember that it is what YOU DO during the time that will really heal you."
One thing I am very thankful for is my mom's best friend Tina. She has been there for me before mom passed, and I'm sure will continue to be here for me. The night mom died, I called Tina. I really did not have anything specific to tell her, I just wanted to talk. The bond my mom and Tina had was the definition of true best friends. Those two could talk for hours, I mean hours on the phone. They told each other everything. About 5 hours before mom passed away, Tina called my phone. I placed it up to mom's ear so they could have "one last phone call." Even though mom was not responsive, I know she could hear Tina's voice. If you are reading this Tina, thank you for everything. Thank you for being such an awesome friend to my mom, and thank you for being like a mom to me.
Here are some memories of my mom I would like to share:
She made the best taco salad. I am glad that I can make it now myself. Not to mention her chocolate chip cookies were the best. Glad I have that recipe too.
Aqua Net hairspray will always remind me of my mom. Back in the 80’s when I was kid, it seemed like she would spray a whole can of that on her freshly hot rolled hair. I still to this day remember the smell of that hairspray. And you never wanted to breathe with your mouth open after she sprayed it because the air was heavily polluted with Aqua Net. Oh and in case you were wondering, it tastes awful! LOL
She had her own way of wording things and little sayings she would use. I find myself using them without realizing it. If it was really hot outside she would say, “It is hotter than a bug’s butt on the 4th of July.” Or if we were on our way home she would say as we were getting closer, “Home again, home again jiggity jaw!” There are many other sayings she used that I will never forget.
My mom loved animals so much that I would joke around and say she loved them more than her family. I am sure on most days that were true. Every animal had a first and middle name. Growing up there was always animals around- inside and outside. She even fed a possum and named him Randy! However, thanks to her I have a love for animals myself, and they too have a first and middle name.
Mom was a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal. She didn’t wear jewelry or fancy clothes. She was simple. She never cared what others thought, and would speak her mind. If you wanted an honest opinion, you asked her. She also was a talker. You could call just to ask her a question and end up talking for over an hour. So I guess I know where I get my motor mouth and bluntness from.
One thing about my mom that we all would imitate and tease her about was her laugh. It was different, yet it was so her.
For the past 6-7 years, she and my dad would play “slug bug” while driving places. They would not actually hit each other in the arm like how others play it. It was just whoever spotted the car would yell it out for a point. They had their own rules for it. I never could beat either one of them. Even when mom didn’t feel well she still would play slug bug.
Growing up mom listened to a lot of Tanya Tucker. It is funny because just a couple months ago I downloaded some Tanya Tucker songs because I remembered hearing them when I was younger. Back when we lived in Odon on Main Street, she would wash our hair in the kitchen sink. I remember her playing her Tanya Tucker cassettes while we were in the kitchen. She also used the Aussie shampoo on our hair, and I recall her telling me it was made out of kangaroo pee. I was a gullible child, and I believed her.
My mom and dad had a great marriage. I use to always say that if I ever got married I wanted a marriage like theirs. They were more than husband and wife- they were best friends. Well I got married, and not only to a great man, but to my best friend. It’s funny because mom use to always say throughout the years that I needed to get back together with Clint. I am so happy she got to see us get married. Many did not know this, but she was sick during the time of my wedding. However, she managed to have a great time even though she paid for later.
There are many, many more memories I have of her, and I need to start writing them all down. A few days before her passing, my dad and I watched all of our old family videos. It is crazy to see how much time has passed already. Time goes fast, and anything can happen in the blink of an eye. Seriously, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Send a card, text, email, etc. Give them a call. You NEVER know when they will be gone.
My mom and I at Ethan's birthday party. This was actually on her 50th bday. (Ethan's bday is one day before mom's)